Pictures explain it all..

I decided my last few posts have involved alot of reading...Sometimes its nice to view a blog with lots of pictures and minimal words, so here ya go!

Easter party at Nama Nae's house

Easter party at Lanny's house

Easter morning ( my parents and Ty came over so Ty would have more fun Easter morning and we also celebrated my mom's birthday where I cooked her (and the others) breakfast after all the Easter fun)

The Easter bunny spoiled Paiser Ann this year

Easter Sunday before church

Easter couldn't have been better.  Paislee got so excited about every easter egg hunt she got to go on, Jayson surprised me with a basket full of my favorite treats and Jayson came one step closer to becoming a real man..I surprised him with the Echo SRM 225 haha, whatever the heck that means....

He claims now having his grill (which he got for his bday) and a weed wacker now allows him to be one step closer to manhood.. Yeah, big time dork!

I am so grateful for the Easter holiday where we get to spend tons of time with family, eat lots of candy and get toys, but  most importantly reflect on Jesus Christ and the life that he lived.  Although I do not understand how the easter bunny and hiding eggs all plays in with the true meaning of easter (it is really weird if you think about it...) but I am thankful for yet another holiday where we can remember what is really important in life and celebrate the life of Christ and his perfect example. Sorry for making you read more in this post than I intended you to. BUT, I would feel bad doing a post on Easter without including the most important part :)

Boo Yeah Grandma!

This morning I had a check-up with my doctor.  He said that I am now a ZERO!! I guess anything under a 5 is classified as a zero, which I was unaware of till today.  Hallelujah!! Man it feels good to finally be at this point.  Now it is time for the waiting game.... After 3 more weeks of once a week blood tests I can go in every other week for a month or two and then I only have to do blood work once a month.  Oh goody this is like Christmas!   When I asked him how soon we can start trying again now that I am finally at a zero he said, "unfortunately since this kind of cancer associated with a molar pregnancy is very dangerous and can start to grow rapidly at any stage you will need to be monitored for at least 6 more months and then you can decide.  If you were my daughter I would have you wait 9 months..." SO ladies and gentleman, 9 months it is!

It is so crazy to me still to this day that all of this has happened.  A month in a half ago I was glowing in the eyes with the thought of having a baby in October and now I won't even be able to start trying again till a couple months after that! And that is best case scenario too... I have noticed something about myself that I consider to be a HUGE blessing from Heavenly Father.  The months before I got pregnant I was SOOOO baby hungry (obviously, or else we wouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place haha) and every baby or pregnant girl I saw made me so giddy to go through pregnancy and a new baby again..BUT not too long after my surgery I noticed myself feeling more content than I ever have been with my life and where I am at this point.  My baby hungryness is gone... Before I couldn't wait another day or second to have another baby and now I feel like I am completely happy with enjoying my life how it is and my beautiful little Paislee Ann.  

This whole experience has and will require a lot of patience.  Something I have always publicly shared as my GREATEST weakness.  This couldn't be a more perfect opportunity for me to make one of my weaknesses my strength's.  I am incredibly thankful for a mindful Heavenly Father who will do what he can to lighten the burdens we experience during trials.  I know that this feeling of contentment that I feel vs. the urge to add another baby to our family is a blessing from god and his little way of helping me make it through this trial of my life.  

Steve told me today at my appointment that he was really worried for me in the beginning after my first few weeks of blood work...He said things weren't looking very good.  Then he said suddenly my hormones dropped dramatically. He showed me on my chart at which point they began dropping....They began dropping incredibly fast my first blood draw after I had received a blessing from my husband and father. I contribute my exciting news of FINALLY hitting a ZERO to that very priesthood blessing.  I am so thankful for that power in my home and in my family.

ZERO you are so gosh dang great.  Thanks for finally deciding to come around.  Now let's just keep you around for another 9 months k?  

An Update on Me and a Little bit O fun!

Well to start this post off I thought I would update you all on how things are going since many of you have asked me to keep you posted.  I went in last week for blood work, but my doctor was out of town so I didn't get the results till today.  My hormones had dropped to 8.5!!! Woot woot! AND I went in this Monday for my regular pricking and they had the results back already and they had gone done to 2.6 or something like that.... Boom shackalacka! This is such great news.  I should be a 0 in NO TIME! I still have to go in every week for three more weeks and once I hit the BELOVED zero it turns to every other week I believe....I have an appointment on Friday so I will know more details then :)

The number 22 has always been my favorite number.  For many reasons...BUT these days my new favorite number is 0! Oh how sweet that 0 will feel once I finally hit it.  Gosh it is taking awhile, but I know I am incredibly blessed that I am so close already.  I don't know what is and isn't normal since I still have not spoken with anyone who has gone through a molar pregnancy, but I would like to think I am doing WAY better than most...haha Let's just pray I hit that 0 and STAY so that scary C word (chemo) doesn't have to enter the picture.... Believe me, I will let you all know when I hit my favorite number! Onto more good news......

Over conference weekend we decided to escape life and head down to St. George with my brother and sister in law (Matt and Rach) for a little gettaway.  I had a full week of no veins being poked which was very very exciting! We left Wednesday and stayed through Sunday and boy was it relaxing! Just what we needed to rejuvenate ourselves for the next little while.  The weather was absolutely beautiful and conference was amazing.  We had a jolly good time!                                

Paislee always does so good on our long drives to St. George.  For some odd reason she decided the last hour of the drive to wear her blanket on her head like this. What a goof.                         

We went swimming every single day we were down there and Paislee wanted to spend all of her time in the hot tub. We would swim in the pool and within 5 minutes she would point and say "hot tub!" so we spent alot of time there.

The girls loved eating the bubbles!

We enjoyed the nice weather and took the girls to the park, played with bubbles, wrote with chalk, played with dirt and all that other fun stuff toddlers like to do. 

These two girls have so much fun together.  It is fun having them so close in age!

Conference this year really was inspiring for me.  I learned so much and you can't help but feel uplifted after listening to these amazing men and women.  I'm so happy I get to hear from the leader's of our church in General Conference twice a year.  I felt like two talks specifically touched me and quite frankly made me cry my eyes out. Click HERE and HERE to read them for a little upliftment :)

Here the girls are eating their popcorn and watching "conference" (Little Mermaid)

I realized after the trip was over that we had no adult pictures...haha Rach and I spent alot of time at the outlets where we spent probably a little too much money...BUT, we got good deals so that makes it okay right? Little girl summer stuff is so stinking cute it is addicting.  Thanks husbands for allowing us to splurge on our children! 

On April Fools Day the boys went on a golfing trip so of course Rach and I had to come up with a fun joke.  SO, we left the garage open and hid our car (they took matt and rach's car golfing) so when they came home there was an empty garage.  They walked in and saw Rach and Kambree and said "where did Kylee go?" In the meantime I was hiding out in our bedroom because I am not a very good liar so I knew I would kill the joke the second they walked in.  Rach told them I was in my room and they were like, "WHERE IS THE CAR!? IT IS GONE!" Rach is good at playing it cool so she acted all concerned.  Jayson walked in to my room scared because he thought someone stole our car.  Of course it only took a few seconds for him to figure out it was a joke because I can't keep a serious face for the life of me.  I am happy to say we successfully April Fooled them though! Rach and I got a little giggle out of it..

And the way home....She slept the majority of the way with all of these blankets, hoodies and who knows what else is in that pile on her, I think a baby doll or two.... haha

What a great gettaway!

Me Besties

It was so fun getting together with all my besties this last weekend.  We really have SO much fun and laugh SO much.  I sincerely love every single one of them to pieces.  I love that we can all still get together, go to dinner and have sleepovers 5 years out of high school and its as if we are all back in high school again.  Of course we are all a little more mature now, but by our conversations throughout the night you would really think we were all a bunch of little high school girls. I LOVE IT!  I couldn't ask for a better group of best friends and it is so fun now that we all have our significant others and can have more people and kiddos to add to our parties. Plus, all my friends are gorgeous...Check em out!

We had a lovely dinner at Olive Garden and almost everyone was able to make it (we missed you Carol and Nicole)

Sam, Allison and Aanni.  We are so happy Allison moved back from California so we can see her more!

Rosie and her cute babes Lincoln who you cannot see in the picture and Sassy Sant

Me, Ang, Marianne and Britt, they are such qt pies

After dinner we all drove up to Mountain Green to Sam's parents home they built (okay probably the most amazing house ever.  It was in the parade of homes and it seriously is SO cute) We spent the remainder of the evening eating doughnuts, chocolate covered cinnamon bears and almonds, oreos and making ourselves sick...(well ok, maybe I was the only one...haha) Some how our conversations always end up talking about poop and other nasty things.  Yeah, we are REALLY cool.  No seriously, we really are. And basically we just sit around and laugh at ourselves and our funny stories.  We ended the night with a sleepover where of course we were up till 3 or 4 in the morning chit chatting and giggling.  Gosh, words can't describe my love for my freshles.  Glad we can all still be so close and get together as often as we do :) Love you all so very very much!



The Latest...

I just recently got off the phone with the doctor's office and I am so happy to inform all of you that my hormones dropped! Oh my goodness gracious this is the greatest news ever.  Since last Wednesday it has felt like the longest week ever having to sit around and wait for the results.  Thank you so much for all of the prayers that have been said in our behalf this past week.  I know without a doubt in my mind that this great news we received today is because of the many thoughts and prayers from all of you.  I don't have to go in for more blood work till next Monday so I have a nice little break :) Steve said once my hormones hit a count of 3 I can go in every other week.  Let's hope that comes sooner than later! I'm at a 48 which is AMAZING! 45 to go, which seems like a piece of cake, considering I was once at 50,000 haha.  I have already felt so much better and noticed my energy has come back more. Looks like I can breathe easy for the next while thank heavens. Once again, I appreciate everyones support so much and its looking more like CANCER FREE IS HOW I WILL CONTINUE TO BE!  Love you all

Gosh...

I really am so thankful for every single comment, every single phone call and every single text message I have received over the past couple of days.  It feels so great to know I have so much support from all of you.  I was overwhelmed by the support from our families and now that I have "come out"(haha) it is plain to see I have amazing friends who love me and will support me through all of this.  A huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I truly appreciate every single one of you more than you even know. 

To fulfill my promise I made to many of you to keep you updated on EVERYTHING here is the latest:

I was informed by Steve (aka, Doctor Johnson) that I needed to come in every week for blood work last Friday.  I have not been feeling the greatest the last few days so I decided to go in on Tuesday instead of waiting till later in the week to get my weekly poke.  Unfortunately, yesterday morning his office called... When I saw his name on my phone my stomache sunk.. I have always thought, "No news is good news" so I would prefer not receiving phone calls from his office any more...haha I was actually VERY grateful for this phone call because I was going to call myself to find out how my blood work came back.  Being in a situation like this waiting around can just make a girls brain go crazy! 

Anyways, back to the conversation, the nurse then went on to say, "your blood work came back and the hormones did go down.." YES!!!! and then here is when I go from feeling excited to feeling "Oh crap..." She then went on to say, "BUT, unfortunately they didn't go down enough or as much as we need them to."  I figured this would be the news, only because over 2 weeks after my D & C I have still been having some pregnancy symptoms. The good news is THEY DID GO DOWN.  Bad news is, NOT ENOUGH.  So unfortunately my already bruised veins must undergo more poking tomorrow...Fabulous..

Of course this news is enough to make a girl worry.  Last night we went to my parents house where my husband and father gave me an amazing blessing.  I haven't had a father's blessing since before I married Jayson.  I was overhwhelmed with peace and comfort.  Although this has been such a scary time in my life I am at such peace with everything.  Regardless of good news or bad news I feel at peace and know this is only a temporary trial in my life.  If someone had told me before hand I would be going through something like this I would have thought, "I am going to be a mess! I will be like freaking out, having anxiety and be SO sad." Watching family and friends have miscarriages I always thought, "I would never be able to handle something like that!" But the thing is I feel none of that.  I feel strong, I am happy and anxiety free.  I am prepared for the worst but hoping for the best.  I know this is only but a split second of my life in the grand scheme of things.  I won't lie, I do feel nervous every now and then having to sit around and wonder "are my hormones going down? Are they going up?" etc etc.  But i'm human and sometimes I cry, but everything is going to be okay!  Cross your fingers that tomorrow I receive GOOD news! Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.  We appreciate every single one of them!

Cancer free is the way to be!

Well this post is a long post I have been dreading to do.  BUT, the last few weeks have been probably the hardest weeks of my life up to this point.  By hard I mean emotional beyond belief for me.  Talk about a rollercoaster! For this reason, this is too much of a big deal in my life to not document it on my blog.  I am not blogging about this because I want people to feel bad for me in any way shape or form.  I am blogging about this because it has kind of been a big deal in our family and only our closest family and a couple of Jayson's friends even know...Not even my close group of girlfriends know anything about this.  For this reason, I MUST POST! haha I will start from the beginning..

February 15th, the morning after I got home from beautiful sunny St. Thomas, I woke up once Jayson left for work to this wonderful surprise Jayson and I had been anticipating for months!

YES, PREGNANT! I was extatic beyond belief!  We started trying in January and I was so happy to see we were able to get pregnant again so quickly.  I coulnd't wait to tell Jayson! BUT I did wait if you can believe it or not.  I had been planning for weeks to take him out for Valentines Day that night so I figured I would wait and surprise him before our date :)  I made this sign:

And I made some way yummy cinnamon rolls so when he came home from work he would come home to this:

I will never forget the look on his face when he walked into the kitchen... He was SOOOO excited! We had been planning since Paislee's 1st birthday to start trying after our trip to Disney World, which the first month I took like 4 negative pregnancy tests and was so so sad.  But, little did I know while I was on the sunny beaches of St. Thomas I had a little bun cookin in my oven! We couldn't believe we would be having another baby! It made for an even better Valentines Dinner at Mandarin where we could spend the night talking about our new baby to be and all the things we were excited for.

We had decided we wanted to wait to tell our families after our first Doctors appointment which wasn't till March 4th.  Man those few weeks seemed like FOREVER! A week in a half before my appointment Jayson was a nice husband and let me spill the beans to my Mom early so I had someone I could get all my giddyness out to.  I was DYING holding in this secret from my Mom.  I was avoiding her like crazy (which we usually talk at least 1 or 2 times a day and see each other a few times a week) It was nice to finally have someone else to talk to about my excitment.

Rewind back to the day I took my pregnancy test.  I was so incredibly excited when I saw the test come out positive, but I had this weird gut feeling something just wasn't right.... I never voiced this to Jayson or my Mother because I thought maybe I was just being paranoid or a worry wart since I can tend to be this way..  As the weeks went on and I became sicker and sicker and more tired and weak I kept telling myself "OBVIOUSLY YOUR PREGNANT! Stop being retarded" But deep down I had so much anxiety because I felt like something was wrong.  I was feeling all the same pregnancy things I did with Paislee times 10! I was having round ligament pain like crazy (which I didn't get till I was in my week of 20's with Paislee) and my pants weren't fitting well at all.  My night stand looked like this:

Hunger pains are the worst when you are pregnant.  Especially in the middle of the night when you are too tired to get up and eat, so I had a nice supply next to me all night long!  Okay okay, EVERYTHING and ANYTHING showed signs that I had a baby cookin so why couldn't I just relax and go with the flow?  I strongly believe it was my motherly intuition along with the holy ghost prompting me there just was something not right.

Friday, the 4th arrives and I am nervous beyond belief for my appointment.  Jayson and I went while my Mom watched Paislee.  I was sick to my stomache the entire time..They did all my vitals and took the urine pregnancy teset and everything looked fabulous! We went in for our ultrasound, me being 6 weeks 1 day pregnant I knew it might be too early to see the heart beat.  During the ultrasound I was just waiting for the bad news, since I already knew it was coming in my little worry brain.... Then my Dr. says, "you are indeed pregnant!" Relief...... Then he does the measurments and the baby was measureding 5 weeks 4 days, which he reassured me that everyone ovulates at different times in their cycle so it won't be exact, but that I can come back in 2 weeks so we can see the heart beat.  Panic sets in.... We leave and I am a mess.  Jayson is so confused because he didn't feel an ounce of worry from the appointment.  Me on the other hand, freaking out.... I came home to my mom in tears.  She was completely confused why I would be having such anxiety over this.. But in my mommy heart this was just 1 step closer to confirming my motherly intuition.

After my husband and mother calming me down and reassuring me that I am feeling so much anxiety about this because of all the hormones (which my hormones were off the charts at this point) I felt positive that I was just being retarded and needed to just calm down.  The weekend went on and I felt worse than I ever had before.  I thought, once again, "there is no way there isn't a baby growing inside of me, the baby has to be fine because I am feeling so sick, I wouldn't be feeling so sick if the baby wasn't alive..." SO, I felt okay to go ahead and tell my family on Sunday at our family dinner.  It was SUCH an exciting night.  We skyped with Hillary in St. Thomas and that is where we shared our exciting news with the entire family.  I had finally calmed down and just came to the conclusion my thoughts were just from pregnancy hormones...

First thing the following morning I received a phone call from my doctor that I needed to come in for more blood work.  He had said some of my hormone tests came back off so they wanted to re-check them.  At this point I just burst into tears because I KNEW IT. Something WAS wrong.  I got Pais ready and we were out the door to see my doctor.  I was so confused.  I was thinking maybe the results showed too low of hormones or something to sustain a pregnancy since I had heard that can happen, but I had been feeling so sick and hormonal so I was confused.  We went in, mind you I had to rush to the bathroom and strip down because I was sweating and having hot flashes and I thought I might pass out.  Luckily, although the waiting room was full, the second I got there they took me back.  My doctor came in and the first thing he said was, "Your hormone tests came back way high" I KNEW IT! My hormones WERE high. He went on to say, "they are so high that we should have been able to see a heart beat on Friday so I want to do another ultrasound and blood work."  During that ultrasound I knew it wasn't going to be positive.  I felt comforted the entire time because I always knew this was coming since day one.

But, I wasn't expecting this news to be quite as bad as it was....

He then went on to tell me it looked like I had a molar pregnancy.  This is where the egg is fertilized by 2 sperm instead of 1 and causes chromsomal abnormalities which hinders the baby from growing.  In a molar pregnancy the cells of the placenta grow at an abnormally large rate (which would explain why I was having round ligament pain so early on) and that it produces very high amounts of hormones.  My blood test that friday were that of an 8 week pregnancy and over the weekend had shot up to that of a 12 week pregnancy (which would explain why I was so sick and off the charts hormonal).  The bad news was that these "Moles" can be cancerous and are very dangerous to the mother.  OH GREAT.  Luckily he let me come back after his day was over with Jayson for him to explain all of this to us, it was nice to have my husband there to support me and cry with me)So, he fit me in the following day to have the D & C surgical procedure done along with a biopsy. 

The remainder of that day and before my surgery on Tuesday was really hard.  I was VERY pregnancy sick and it made it hard knowing I wasn't infact really "pregnant".  My mom took Paislee all day and all night so Jayson and I could spend some time and get some good sleep.  I've never seen Jayson cry like he did in our entire marriage, which made me feel better for being such an emotional mess. 

The D & C procedure went amazing and I woke up from anesthesia feeling for the most part great.  Recovery went really well and it was nice to not feel quite as pregnant. We had so much support from our families the following days to come which we are so grateful for. 

As sad as the whole experience was, I felt such relief.  I knew something was wrong and I am just so grateful we were able to catch it so quickly.  We were recently told at our last appointment that everything came back normal with the biopsy, but that I was going to need to be monitored for 9 months.  With a molar pregnancy if even 1 cell survived the D & C it will multiply and spread cancer to anywhere in my body.  For this reason I have to have blood work done every week to make sure my hcg levels are lowering till they get to 0.  Once they hit 0 I can start getting blood work every other week and so on till it turns to every other month.  For this reason, we CANNOT get pregnant during this time because they will not be able to tell the difference between the pregnancy hcg hormones or the "mole" hcg hormones. 

By doing this if my levels stay the same or raise they will be able to catch it fast enough so I can start chemotherapy/radiation to kill the cancer before it hopefully spreads.  Thinking about this scares me to death, but I know if that happens, there is a reason.  Just like there is a reason we weren't suppose to have a baby at this time.  It is hard being so excited to have another baby and to get pregnant and have that to look forward to and then find out you miscarried and cannot even try for another 9 months.  BUT, I feel at such peace with everything and I know we will have a baby when we are suppose to.  At least I can STILL have a baby.  I am so grateful for my health and I know everything will work out how it should and that Paislee will be a big sissy when the timing is right. 

Jayson and I feel very good about waiting to have another baby.  Obviously our next son or daughter is not ready to come to earth.  And when he or she is, it will be perfect.  Heavenly Father knows whats best for us and he literally leads us and guides us in everything in our lives if we just let him.  Sometimes we think we know whats best, but he knows far more than we do.  I am thankful we were able to get pregnant so quickly and that all of this was able to happen now instead of us waiting longer to start our family and having it happen then. I am so grateful for an amazing doctor Steve Johnson (my uncle btw, "eeeww sick" is what probably lots of you are thinking, but he is the best doctor around and he delivered me, all my cousins and cousins babies.  He is like "the family" doctor)  He truly has taken such good care of me and I know with his help we can beat this!

I am so happy and I look forward to my future and my families future.  As poopy as this has been it makes me so grateful for a healthy family and to have my Paiser Ann.  I know there are so many woman out there who can't even get pregnant or who have gone through numerous miscarriages without being able to get pregnant.  My heart goes out to all of them.  This whole experience has been so humbling to me and I am thankful for this trial in my life.  As of now I am cancer free which is a huge blessing! BUT IF NOT, its all good in da hood cause I'm a fighter baby!